Today, I have hit an all-time low. And that is saying something. Being a parent has often allowed me to enjoy the more disgusting side of life. In fact, I think I’ve thankfully had my sense of smell destroyed by the stink of two small kids, and I’m pretty much oblivious to things that turn the stomachs of most normal people.
Over the years of parenthood, I have been lucky to share a huge range of bodily excretions with my children. Puke, pee or poop: once you’re mum it’s all part of an average day.
I have held a potty-training child on my lap as she slept – and as she innocently urinated all over me; I have lifted my nappy free baby into the air at the precise moment she started to poo (gravity was not my friend); I have scooped poo out of the bath, out of pants, and, on more than one occasion, off my clothes and/or the carpet.
Although, it’s not all bad. I have also nearly wet myself laughing as their daddy’s head got covered in puke, and I really enjoyed the look of panic on his face as the potty-training child on his shoulders declared she ‘need wee-wee!!!’.
Perhaps today is my reward for the pleasure I took in those things. Karma, as they say, is a bitch.
To get to the point, my little darling was sat on my lap scoffing a bag of Haribo jelly men. I was enjoying the cuddles and was even happier when she sweetly turned to me with a green one in her hand. I should have known that it was a little odd that I was being offered a sweet. That never happens. But I guess no-one likes the green ones, even my cheeky little Chimp. And beggars can’t be choosers; so I took the chance while I had it and opened wide for the little fella.
The texture and taste weren’t quite what I had expected, however.
I quickly realised that what I had in my mouth was pretty much the only green thing my kids will eat: a big old bogey.
Like a truffle hunter foraging in the dark, the little monkey had snuffled and dug out the delicious delicacy, and, once found, she had offered the treasure to mummy. So sweet! So generous! So gross!
To be quite honest, I don’t know why I was shocked. She is, after all a very snotty child; she spends half of her waking life demanding Peppa Pig and the other half with her finger up her nose. Sometimes both at the same time. She, like most kids, has dubious personal hygiene.
Just last week I thought she was giving me a kiss; I turned to realise she was licking some of the hummus she had wiped on my shoulder back off again.
She would ace a bush tucker trial: she just seems to prefer to find sustenance in the things that would make most people feel sick. In fact, both of my children regularly turn their noses up at freshly cooked meals, but then I suppose they are full up on Haribos and bogies.
I suppose that as mummy you come to accept that your kids, unlike their bogies, are deliciously disgusting. And while I could eat them up – from their sweet little heads to the tips of their toes – I’ve got to draw the thin green line somewhere.
The thing is, the grubbiness really goes hand in hand with my two darlings. So I’ll brace myself for the next time; with thought and preparation, I know I will deploy an effective bogie avoidance strategy. The key is to stay alert.